Fear of emptiness

Why is it so challenging to face emptiness? Sometimes I’m deeply involved in a project, a job, a relationship, a purpose… And, at some point, I feel that it no longer makes sense, no longer “fulfills” me. I feel tired, sometimes even sad, and cannot explain the hole inside. What I used to see before changed to something else. Like this old optical illusion test of the old woman and the young woman, remember? When I realize this internal change, I tend to cling to the life situation, turn it upside down, change the angle, change the color hoping to see something different. However, the essence remains the same and it is only a matter of rearranging the same parts in a different order. The pain to stay is bigger than the courage to leave and I take a step towards the abysm of the unknown. If I don’t, life takes care and gives me a small push to help (although I may perceive it as a punishment). The transition between the old and the new is the most challenging part as it requires me to face emptiness. My desire is to drop something with one hand and have already something in the other. However, this does not happen and I fall into this big ocean with no reference, no land, no place to anchor and hitch. I even feel dizziness in my small boat and think that I’m alone. I resist to accept, look back and know that I don’t want to go there anymore and try to desperately fill this emptiness. I realize that the only way out is through. What does this mean? I surrender and start looking into this emptiness, embracing it. I understand that space and life situation are not separated. I understand that emptiness is not against life, non-being is not against being, darkness is not against light. Actually, it is the very source of it. I try to relax and know that, when there is no wind, I cannot push my small boat by force. And if I was able to move it by force, I don’t know in which direction. I don’t want my conditioned mind to tell me the direction, make a plan and execute it as if true being would be a checklist. So I wait patiently and, maybe, even feel joy and peace in my rest. Eventually, wind comes back and doing emerges out of being. Facing emptiness is like allowing a small inner opening into the realm of existence. I hold on to the center and don’t feel dizzy, as opposed to the turmoil of the wheel. I understand that to be whole is to include, not to deny. I’m not alone.

“Thirty spokes share the wheel’s hub; It is the center hole that makes it useful. Shape clay into a vessel; It is the space within that makes it useful. Cut doors and windows for a room; It is the holes which make it useful. Therefore profit comes from what is there; Usefulness from what is not there.” Tao Te Ching